It was quite eye opening how big of a conversation starter being pregnant was. Random people out and about would initiate conversations that usually started with “when are you due?” and would then evolve into all types of well-wishes and personal stories. I somewhat expected this. Less expected was phase two of this new social power: actually having the baby present. On came a whole new slew of advice, tons more personal stories, and rather intimate questions (i.e. are you breastfeeding?). Never in my life had my bodily functions been openly inquired about at such frequency. While almost all of these interactions were welcomed and pleasant, there were a few times that I (or my hormone-controlled psyche) wanted to kick the “well-wisher” in the teeth. I’m sure many others can relate to this feeling. I now try to watch myself closely when interacting with other moms (especially new moms) or women who are expecting. Not sure what’s not a good conversation starter?? Here are some that I personally did not enjoy.
My baby slept through the night when he/she was 6 weeks old. Well bully for you. How nice and restful and wonderful that must have been. Please go into further detail about how many hours that angel slept at a time. Don’t mind me while I nod off. Being sleep deprived was unarguably the worst part of having a newborn for me and I turned to multiple sources for advice on how to help her sleep better at night. The solicited advice I loved as it was useful. The stories of the golden babies with compassion for their zombie parents simply made me hate my life, that person, and anyone in a five mile radius. When offering advice, realize your audience is edgy, tired, and desperate. Skip the stories of how wonderful your baby was.
Did you hear about that (insert sad story) about that (baby, animal, inanimate object). No! And I don’t want to. Hormones are no joke. Match that with sleep deprivation and the frazzled nature of learning to take care of a child, and you’ve got an emotional time bomb ready to explode at any moment. I don’t like sad stories in my normal life, let alone when I had just had Lyla and was terrified of SIDS, fever, malnourishment, etc. I intentionally avoid the news, so please don’t come at me with your tragic story of the day. This one really doesn’t change as baby gets older. Most moms walk around with plenty of knowledge of all the things that can go wrong. Don’t bring up random topics that might send their anxiety into hyperdrive.
Don’t worry, it won’t take you long to lose the weight. I’m sorry, did I ask you about my weight, or am I trying to enjoy this box of donuts? New moms are extremely aware that their bodies have morphed into that of a stranger. Whether it be the tube sock breasts, the freshly stretched tummy skin, or the waddling hips, we see it. Would we like our pre-baby body back? Sure. Is it priority number one while I’m trying to sleep, eat, and keep my house from looking like a war zone? Hardly. Unless we’re having babies when we’re twenty, despite what Hollywood wants to show us, it’s gonna take a minute to bounce back into shape and it’s ok! Best to avoid this topic at all costs unless we directly ask your opinion.
I exclusively breastfed until my baby was two and it was magical. When it came to breastfeeding, I had a lot of questions and I definitely turned to my friends for advice. Luckily, I have awesome and non-judgmental friends who were more than happy to help and let me vent. What’s not helpful is when others believe that nursing is the absolute only way to feed a baby and look down on those who do not or can not. Once upon a time, this was true. We are fortunate now to have alternative methods. I decided to put no pressure on myself and we made it three months with exclusive pumping. I’ll save the details for another post, but my experience was not great. It actually sucked (ba dum chhh) and I was proud to have made it as long as I did. Every child and mother is different, so make sure to broach this touchy subject with caution and not as a fail/win rating.
Did you HAVE to have an epidural? I had mine naturally. This conversation is ok among friends who want to discuss their birth story. However, this is another heavily debated subject with women on all sorts of sides. Let me be frank, birthing a child hurts. There’s a damn good reason women allow themselves to be stabbed in the spine with a knitting needle. Let me also say that women have been giving birth naturally, and it’s a fine and very attainable goal. Let me say thirdly that there is nothing wrong with a c-section whether planned or otherwise. Guess what?? All three roads lead to a healthy baby and mama. I had a friend explain it to me perfectly by saying: “there’s no trophy at the end for those who give birth naturally”. Do what feels right for you and don’t concern yourself with what anyone else does.
When are you having another one? Are you offering your uterus to me for nine months and then to come sleep at my house every night for the first year of the child’s life? If not, please don’t ask me this question. New moms are just trying to keep their sanity with what they have currently been blessed with. You may have several children that are older and babies seem like such a long time ago, but we’re still in the trenches, so give us a minute.
Enjoy (insert milestone) because they just grow up so fast. I realize that this one is completely without ill intent and it is true. However, there were so many times when I would just cringe to hear this because not only am I still struggling with said milestone, but now I also feel guilty for not being happy while dealing with said milestone. I’m sure there will be so many memories that I will reflect on fondly when Lyla is older. Not sleeping for days at a time, attempting to cipher cryptic crying, and saying “no” literally ten million times a day are not some of them.
Any additional no-gos that I should add to this list??
