The Twists and Turns that Sometimes Bring Us Full Circle

My parents wanted me to pursue journalism in college. They told me that writing had always come naturally to me, I grew up with my teachers telling them I was talented, blah blah blah. I wasn’t interested. Partly because I was 18 and who the hell knows what they really want out of life at that age and partly because writing held no appeal to me whatsoever. Maybe it came easy, but who wants to spend their life doing something they don’t enjoy? I went in undeclared and after a semester decided on Interior Design. It sounded fun, glamorous, and something I could see my large and in charge professional self doing for the long haul. Plus, Sally Field was a designer in Mrs. Doubtfire…..and we all know that we, at some point, picked our professions based on a movie from our childhood. Little did I know that Interior Design is not a major for the faint of heart. It may seem all “let’s pick out some paint colors and a sofa” on the outside, but is shoved full of projects that keep you up all night and take the whole semester to complete. Those with this degree are actually allowed to construct a house up to a certain square footage without the aid of a contractor if that tells you anything. This must have been in the fine print that they don’t show you until you’re nose deep in electrical layouts and codes. I vividly remember an entire terrible class where we did nothing but draft what the inside layers of walls look like. It’s also not a route for those on a tight budget. A drafting table, drawing and architectural tools, and professional binding of all projects to name a few of the cha-ching obligations. Hobby Lobby, Kinkos, and I were the best of friends for those three and a half years. I was lucky to have my parents helping me out, but I was very aware of the expense of it all. Just a single Prisma color pencil will run you about $1.26 and you needed LOTS of colors.

After graduating, I worked in the field for a very short time before jumping ship. It wasn’t for me…. plus the recession of 2008 was in full bloom making my field a tricky one to break into. I had also lost my dad two months before graduation, and was still reeling. I nannied, assisted for an invitation printer, worked reception for a chiropractor, did online web evaluations, created and ran an Etsy store, co-owned my own wedding planning business, freelance wrote, became an advocate for doTERRA, oh and started this lovely blog over the course of about 10 years. Many times I’ve felt very much like a person who will never be satisfied, or is wishy-washy, or is unmotivated, or just not good at anything, or who gave up too easy. Why can I not just pick a path and be happy? Where had the motivated and successful girl from my youth run off to? The one aspiring to have the awesome office and fancy heels? I eventually decided it was because I was off-target with my priorities. Family had always been such an important part of my life (this heightened after dad died). I enjoyed domestic life and hated punching a time clock for someone else’s advancement. My true calling must be to be a stay at home mom.

A terrified leap into not working, a supportive husband, tight budget, and one baby later I found myself immersed in this life that I was just certain would keep me happy forever….. except about three years in (now two babies) it hits again……unfulfilled….unsatisfied…..feeling like something’s missing. I had completely given up on all above endeavors and almost stopped blogging entirely. I wanted to be the best mom I could which meant that I should only focus on my family. Yet, here I was. Still not happy….and feeling quite guilty about it to boot. Tim had worked hard so that I could be home. Now, I still needed more? How selfish and entitled could I be?

Selfish and entitled enough to know that I get one chance at this life and it’s my goal to make it the best it can be. This doesn’t mean become completely self-involved and run off to Bali without a care in the world. But it does mean that I can have it all…..professionally and domestically. I have a need in my soul to be there for my family. It is ingrained in my heart and that will never change. However, there is another side. A part that I’ve tried many times to stifle for the “good” of my kids. But it keeps re-emerging stronger. The desire to be successful. The desire to create. The desire to bring beautiful things into this world (other than those gorgeous girls of mine of course). As I reflect and grow into a better (and more honest) version of myself, I’m learning to treat myself with more compassion while also embracing my intuition. I’ve very slowly come to terms with the fact that those “fails” over the last decade were anything but. It was my soul not being willing to settle for anything other than awesomeness. A journey to learn, attempt, fail, and repeat until the right situation was presented.

Ironically it was there all along, what I needed to get that deep down personal fulfillment. Writing. This is what I’ve discovered brings me the most gratification and joy from a work-related standpoint. It fills all the buckets: exist where I’m talented, allows me to create, work for myself (preferably from home with an ocean view….#someday goals), and be flexible for my family. I was inspired to write this post last week as I was coloring with Lyla. Tim had found my bag of previously mentioned Prisma color pencils tucked away in the garage and decided to let her use them. When I saw, my first reaction was to say “no, I may need those some day” and “do you know how expensive those were?”. Then, I thought “no, this is exactly why I saved them for all these years.”

My journey wasn’t to be a professional interior designer, but it was a step that led me to the happiness driven life that I’m in the process of living. Had I chosen to be a writer when I was 18, my current situation would probably be much different. Better? I don’t see how. I needed the trials, fails, and redirection to learn where I needed to go.

If any of this long-winded story resonates with you, then I’m glad I’ve found you. Are you an unfulfilled full time parent? In a dead-end miserable job? In your dream job, but not getting satisfaction from it? Don’t let this be your story and don’t feel guilty about it! Evolve, dream, grow, and take steps to get yourself where you want to be. It’s not selfish to not let yourself settle. You will be a better spouse, parent, employee, dog mom, human if you get up each morning and are excited to live your awesome life. It may be small steps, but start moving. I can’t very well be all “ok, kids go fend for yourself, mommy’s got to blog for the next five hours”. So, I get up at 5 each morning. About an hour before the girls. This is my writing time. I do what I can, and then I let it go for the day. It fills my cup personally before pouring from that cup for the rest of the day. If getting up at 5 makes you want to throw yourself onto an ant hill, then stay up an hour later each night, talk to people to make new connections, put your intentions out there and be open to what comes your way. Stop complaining, radiate good vibes, and get to stepping. Pretend you’re happy even if you’re not to get your frequency higher, but work like hell to get away from the unhappiness. Learn from past mistakes and figure out why those decisions weren’t the right ones for you.

“You are in charge of your own destiny.” “You are the leading character in your story.” “No one is responsible for your happiness except you.” These quotes all say the same thing. Find one that resonates with you and post it to your bathroom mirror. Whether you’re 15, 30, 50, or 90, if you’re still breathing, your story isn’t over. It’s never too late for a new adventure or chance at happiness. We all were beautifully designed with passions and intent. We just have to shut out the noise and listen. It’s not a failure to change routes and evolve, but it is a damn shame to not live up to the best version of you. Get intuitive to figure out what lights you up and then let go of the fear, negative inner dialogue, feelings of selfishness, and other hang-ups. The truly selfish thing would be to not share that glow of awesomeness with the rest of the world!