It is with some shame that I admit in this open forum that there are few requests that make me shudder more than when Lyla pops happily into the room and tosses the bomb of: “Mommy, will you play with me? (imagine in a slow motion demon voice)” Now, before I dissolve into a puddle of guilt, let me defend myself. I love interacting with my girls. You want to play a board game? “Yes! Best out of 30 in Candyland!” Crafts? “Let me grab my glue stick”. Movie night? “I’ve got the popcorn!” Play pretend like we’re pirates? “Maybe if I sit still long enough she’ll forget I’m here.”
As a kid, I used to play pretend for hours with the best of them. I was an only child, so my imagination game was strong. Why as an adult does it feel like I am literally running a mental marathon through the Sahara to get into any pretend game mode? What’s worse, is when I say yes, I am literally counting down the minutes until I can find an excuse to quit. Then, she just wants more….apparently even through my agony, I’m pretty good at being a villain to her super hero. When I just can’t and tell her “no” to the pretend game misery, I instantly feel the mom guilt knock me off my feet. “Someday, she’ll want nothing to do with you and you’ll give anything for her to ask you to play pretend.” “She doesn’t get much kid interaction during the summer, so you really need to play with her.” “If Bluey’s parents can play pretend for hours upon hours with elaborate set-ups, surely you can suck it up for 30 minutes”. Welcome to the noise that is the mom brain I live with. P.S…..Bluey’s parents have no life and I hate them for lifting my kids’ expectations of me.
I often think back to my own childhood. I was very well tended to, but have zero recollection of my parents ever playing pretend with me. Cards? Games? Absolutely. Barbies? Hard no. Pirates? Not a chance. I also think about my maternal grandmother who was a stay at home military wife with five children. Unfortunately, she’s not here to advise me. But my mom and aunt have no memory of their parents ever playing pretend. So, where does this guilt come from? I am a very well adjusted and arguably spoiled adult who got along just fine without mom and dad running through the house pretending to be a dinosaur with me. Why does saying no feel so mean-spirited?
I can’t help but wonder if it plays into a bigger issue of parenthood. I’ve only been a mom for four short years, so excuse me if my lack of experience is showing, but do we as parents simply have a hard time saying “no”? The situation is relevant obviously. I have no guilt about saying no to things that are dangerous or frivolous. I consider that simply to be parenting and “doing what’s best for them”. So, when it comes to playing imagination, I feel like I should be doing this with her therefore allowing the flood of guilt. Are we letting our kids down by simply “not wanting to” sometimes? How far are we willing to go just to keep our kids happy? If it made Rose giggle every time I hit myself in the head with a tree branch, I wouldn’t continue to do it just for her amusement. So, do we really need to allow them to set the play rules and then follow them when our heart is not in it?
I obviously don’t have the answer to these musings, so I did what all moms do…..hello my search engine friend. Let me see how you can confuse my intuition today. I came across many articles on the topic of play, both for it and acknowledging that it’s not how adults wish to spend their time or bond with their kids. One article on Psychology Today offered this perspective:
“So here’s one problem that occurs in parent-child play. We—and when I say “we” I don’t so much mean we dads as I mean you moms—have been brainwashed into believing that it’s our job practically every moment to serve our children’s needs, sometimes by telling them exactly what they should do and other times by catering to their every whim. In some contexts we are the bosses, because we think we are supposed to boss them for their own good. But in other contexts, and especially in play, we mistakenly think our task is to allow our children to boss us.”
Peter Gray Ph.D.- Psychology Today
He goes on to say that play should be for fun, not done out of obligation. And if you are “playing” as a duty, it’s not actually playing at all. He also mentions that it is an extremely “modern, western” culture mentality that adults play with their children at all. Typically until recent decades, children had other children to play with and weren’t terribly interested in playing with adults. I realize that this is somewhat of a generalization, but it makes sense. My grandmother didn’t likely have the time to run around and play with the kids. She was busy! Plus, there were five siblings. They in turn probably didn’t want mom butting in and ruining their game.
So what’s the solution here? How do we as post-pandemic new era moms let go of this guilt that’s been programmed into us?? And whhhhy is it programmed into us? I never ever heard my mom use the term “mom guilt” during my entire life…literally. Why have we decided to be the ones to not only coin the phrase, but hang onto it relentlessly? In this particular scenario, here are my thoughts and what I plan to attempt:
- Know Your Role. You’re the mom. The one who is supposed to keep the kids safe, fed, and clean. You are not their court jester that is required to bounce around at their whim and purely to keep them amused.
- It’s Ok to be Bored. We live in a society that is terrified of not being mentally stimulated for half a second. We shouldn’t project this onto our children. Boredom=thinking. Thinking=a plan. A plan=an action. Action= alleviate boredom. Let the kids use their damn brains.
- Play if You Want to. If the kids are doing something that you genuinely enjoy, then ask to join in!
- Practice Saying No Nicely. “Mommy, you be the mommy spider and I’ll be the baby spider”. Here’s your que: “no thank you!” Nailed it!
- Re-Direct. “Mommy, which superhero do you want to be?” “Ummm….how about Super Weed Puller? “Want to me my sidekick: Sergeant Flower Waterer?”
- Be Honest. “Mommy really doesn’t want to be the octopus who locks you up in a pillow cave 421 times in a row.” “What if we bake some muffins or play Old Maid instead”. This way they know you enjoy engaging with them, but just aren’t interested in that exact type of play.
- Get Them Out of the House. Mother’s Day Out, Soccer, Dance, Play Dates, etc. Get them around other kids! Let them get that creative energy out around peers. This is an enormous guilt-reducer for me!
I may have to read this post to myself every day for a month before it will stick, but my goal is to take control back over being a mom and what being a mom stands for. I want to genuinely enjoy interacting with my kids and then also do things for my own amusement….like Heaven-forbid turn it off Disney+ and over to HGTV once a day. I want to get over this idea that being a mom means devoting every ounce of my energy and attention to these mini-mes day in and day out. Mom-guilt was a made-up term……let’s unmake it and be more awesome moms for it!
What do you enjoy doing with your kids and what has you running for the hills?
